Final Fantasy XII doesn’t need no stinkin’ plot

Final Fantasy XII, that black sheep of the Final Fantasy family, is finally getting remastered like we always knew it would. And it does deserve it – fantastic characters, a rich world, and shockingly fun battle system create an incredibly enjoyable experience that still sticks with me ten years after I first played it (and I still maybe have a crush on Basch).


Of course, this is a remaster, not a remake, so it won’t fix FFXII’s most glaring problem – the plot. An identity crisis in motion, it’s never quite sure what it wants to be, and excessive padding only drives that point home as it drags the entire narrative down. Yet FFXII still absolutely deserves that remaster, because it’s one of the most fantastic games in the series. It doesn’t matter that the story’s a mess. That’s not what FFXII is about.

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The Park tries to be PT in all the wrong ways

As thoroughly as Konami tried to scrub it from existence, PT lingers like crime scene evidence mopped up with kleenex. The way it evokes a constant sense of danger in an innocuous setting has already bled into the horror genre as a whole – it’s intriguing to see games like Layers of Fear build unnatural, ever-changing worlds around a unique kernel of fear, the way PT wraps it’s infamously horrifying hallway around that thing in the sink (you know the one I mean) and leaves it for you to find.


But sadly, not every scary-door-simulator hits that impressive mark. Case in point, The Park. A new first-person horror title with a fascinating, deeply uncomfortable premise as its backbone, it ultimately disappoints by making one seriously wrong turn: in trying to nail that PT vibe, it actually runs away from the kernel of fear that made it interesting in the first place.

WARNING: Copious spoilers for The Park ahead.

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You’re a prop in a godly mating ritual in Bloodborne – and you have no idea


Despite the fact that I’ve been playing Dark Souls 3 religiously (just this side of ritualistically) for the last month, my mind always seems to stray back to Bloodborne, because I can’t get my mind off its fascinating story. You wouldn’t necessarily know it had one if you charge through without looking – it’s hard to miss the cthulhu demons clinging to everything with a steeple, but what’s actually going on beneath the surface in this beast-ravaged city is a lot harder to parse.


Even worse, if you choose to pursue the final and most elusive ending – where you encounter a mysterious god called the Moon Presence and promptly battle it to the death – you may have no idea why it’s significant enough to act as your last, most pivotal encounter. In fact, you probably won’t, because it’s never once referred to by name before descending from on high to ruin your day.

There’s no real answer to that question – that’s the beauty of the Souls series and its famous ambiguity. But there’s plenty of evidence scattered throughout Yharnam to build a case, and I’ve come upon a fascinating theory: the Moon Presence is the thing that started you on your journey in the first place, so you will destroy the reproductive rival stealing all its viable human mates.



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Welcome to my humble blog, where I pour all of the video game-related ideas that burrow into my brain. Most of the time I’ll post written pieces on topics of paramount importance – like why the Fallen explode like Roman candles in Destiny or what’s up with the sex lives of animal gods in Bloodborne – but you can also expect to see videos from my YouTube channel, and pictures of my latest video game craft projects. It’s my way of letting everyone know I was here with a resounding cry of NEEEEEEEEEEEEERD. 

Read, enjoy, tell me I’m maybe digging a little too deep into those three words of dialogue in that one spin-off nobody remembers – there’s plenty of room around here. A logic-defying amount, even.